SECRET DIARIES OF HOGWARTS: BOOK TWO!
by Sarah Noble
Summary: Sequel to the first SDOH. Read all about the tortured love lives and wardrobes of HP characters.
1. Default Chapter

SECRET DIARIES OF HOGWARTS: BOOK TWO!  
  
[PLEASE READ THIS PART, AS IT IS HIGHLY SILLY AND POSSIBLY PROFITABLE TO YOU, THE READER]  
  
Scary-minded people asked for them, scary-minded people got them. Revealed now are the further very secret diaries from Year Two, dedicated to Cassie. You people are freaks for wanting more of these things. I weep for you all. Of course, I write them. I weep for myself, as well. :*)  
  
Once again, read these diaries in the chapter order they are presented, in order to get all the jokes and thus fulfill the prophesy which has been foretold. If you haven't read the first Diaries from Year One, read them now. Feel free to ignore the actual numerical value of the dates in opposition of when these things happened in the book, because the numbers don't matter. That's right, they don't matter, like the "Do Not Disturb" sign you put on your hotel room door. They don't matter like the second person you ever slept with.  
  
Regardless of what you people think of this batch, I'm going to write Book Three Diaries in just a little while, in order to write all about Lupin getting mad schnoogles from Black. I find that amusing and will dedicate that entire part to my friend Aja, who is sick in the head as well as both her elbows. If anyone out there in ReaderLand has something specific they'd like to see in the third batch, let me know!  
  
(If you're holding your breath for Ron/Harry, I'm glad to tell you that I'll be writing about that very soon, right after I drop dead in my tracks and rot for a million years and sell my body to a medical institute.)  
  
Note to you legal types: Harry Potter and the other smack-down funky people in these stories are property of Zeus' right hand, J.K. Rowling, whose domains extend past the Lands Over the Sea and beyond, right into Wisconsin.  
  
Note to people who are offended by SLASH and INNUENDO: These diaries have all of the latter and none of the former. The most offensive word in this story, so far as I can remember, is "shag." None of this story is sexually explicit, but only hints at slashy junk in an effort to mock all the badly- written cliche slash out there. This story has a PG-13 rating. Don't read this story if you don't like that kinda stuff, and DON'T say I didn't warn you!  
  
Note to people who are offended by stupid things: Don't read ANYTHING I write ever, or you will go blind.  
  
As always, fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it.  
  
Enjoy! 


	2. Snape

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PROFESSOR SEVERUS SNAPE  
  
Day 1  
  
Back at school again and hating it more than ever. Got idiot Potter boy in trouble (along with redheaded boyfriend) but that interfering git Dumbledore let them off the hook! Kicked the leg of my desk for a while til I felt better. WORSE LUCK, Dark Arts job gone to some featherbrained idiot named Lockhart. Horrible fashion sense and no talent at all. Not bad-looking, though.  
  
DAY 3  
  
Lockhart still not fired, God only knows why. Want to push him down a flight of stairs and get his job. Want to kick desk leg til feel better. Want to kick Lockhart til feel better. Mad about Potter boy not being expelled, mad about Malfoy brat not returning my owls, mad about Lockhart being generally stupid, especially his habit of hoarding all the lemon pepper crackers to himself during dinner.  
  
Day 8  
  
Lucius got his son on our House Team with bribery, as usual. Not that I care, even if I was never a Seeker myself. Not at all. Accidentally kicked desk leg off today.  
  
Still not on speaking terms with Malfoy boy. Little fuzzyheaded girlfriend of Potter's looking kind of cute these days.  
  
DAY 9  
  
Gave permission letter to Malfoy boy to use Quidditch field, just to spite Gryffindor Team. Back on speaking terms with Malfoy now, but unfortunately out of chocolate syrup. Will run to the store for more next week.  
  
Day 14  
  
Very upset with Lockhart nonsense. Wish Dumbledore would sort out his ass from his hat and just give me the job. Obviously overqualified for it. Lockhart incapable of running a daycare for squirrels by himself. Also ponces around in silly outfits. Doesn't even have the sense to realize that purple is a winter color and it's not even November.  
  
Maybe excessive nancing about in lavender and aquamarine will get me the Dark Arts job...  
  
Day 13  
  
Having hard time deciding what colors flatter me besides black. Considering getting palette done. Starting to regret getting hair layered.  
  
Day 22  
  
Swallowed pride and asked Lockhart for help. Will laugh at him when I get his job anyway. Lockhart not much assistance, except to daff about and talk as if he personally designed the wardrobes of every major political figure in history. Suspect Lockhart might be gay, though not sure why. Eventually borrowed most of his barrettes and got to work.  
  
Day 23  
  
Stupid Filch's cat petrified in the halls last night. Didn't suspect Potter at all but pinned it on him just to have a good laugh. Hoping he'll be expelled. Filch acting much too upset over a cat...why is it named Mrs. Norris, anyway? Suspect Filch may have bumped off Mr. Norris some time ago...to what purpose, I'm not certain.  
  
Day 30  
  
No sign of Potter being expelled yet. Still not Dark Arts professor. Got into row with Lockhart over the lemon pepper crackers at dinner again tonite...won the argument by taking the bowlful and stuffing them down the front of my robes. Go me!  
  
Later  
  
All over in crumbs now. Never doing that again.  
  
Day 39  
  
Barrette experiment a complete disaster, have thrown them all away in exasperation. Lockhart buys them in bulk from wholesaler anyhow. Muggle children being turned to stone all over school. Go heir of Slytherin! Never liked half of them anyway. Wish Lockhart would get turned to stone. Also wish Lockhart would stop giving me advice about teasing my hair. Also also wish Lockhart would stop asking me on shopping trips to Hogsmeade. Wish Lockhart would just get stuffed in general.  
  
Still finding crumbs in odd places.  
  
Day 50  
  
Went on shopping trip with Lockhart to get more chocolate syrup. Wound up spending six hours in men's department while Lockhart asked, "Does this make me look fat?" approximately eighty billion jillion times. Wish I was a dragon-handler and not a teacher. Still not bloody Dark Arts professor. Current Dark Arts professor DOES look fat in EVERYTHING, especially yellow. Am also convinced that he dyes his hair.  
  
Day 66  
  
Slytherin lost to Gryffindor. Am very upset at Malfoy for missing the Snitch. Am very very upset at Malfoy for somehow developing allergic reaction to chocolate over the summer holidays.  
  
Day 70  
  
Have been asked by Lockhart to "join his duo club". Is he coming onto me?  
  
Day 71  
  
Found out Lockhart wants to start duel club, not duo club, and it's for the students. Am kind of disappointed. Have all this syrup I don't know what to do with now. Agreed to help just for kicks.  
  
Day 72  
  
Tried to kill Potter with a snake, but apparently he's a Parselmouth. Am weirdly turned on by this ability.  
  
Day 74  
  
SOMEONE broke into my private stores and buggered off with a mess of potion ingredients!! Also took all my Nivea products, half a dozen Biore strips, and my collection of subscription cards from Entertainment Weekly. Am bloody ripped about this incident and shall report it as soon as I can get Lockhart to stop greeting me in hallways by blowing kisses.  
  
Day 87  
  
Dumbledore apparently never going to make me Dark Arts professor. Dumbledore not even letting me know what's going on with Heir of my own House. Dumbledore kind of a total bastard most of the time. Stayed in bed today with covers pulled over my head. Ignored Lockhart nancing at my door around ten at nite.  
  
Day 90  
  
Finally lain smack down on Lockhart today when girl was reported dead inside Chamber of Secrets. Go me! Told him off and sent him away to "prepare to fight the Heir of Slytherin." Worthless idiot's probably packing up his bleaching kits as fast as he can. On worse note, idiot Potter once again stupid hero of the day after confronting unknown and probably nonexistent danger in the Chamber. Not happy about this. House Cup went to bloody GryffinDORKS again and Malfoy in a sulk about his father being sacked. See if he gets any comfort from ME!  
  
Upshot of all this: Lockhart is fired and no one else wants Dark Arts job. PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR DARK ARTS POSITION! WHOOOOO!!! 


	3. Hermione

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER  
  
  
  
Day 1  
  
Got back to school all right and immediately started studying. Will be way ahead of everyone else by next week. Harry and Ron yapping about Quidditch nonstop...apparently Wood thinks this particular year is important or something. Don't have time to worry about that, must study.  
  
Day 2  
  
Met WONDERFUL new teacher for Dark Arts classes, Gilderoy Lockhart. Believe he must be the smartest man alive. Read all his books eight times. Harry and Ron obviously jealous of his fame...they never stop badmouthing him!  
  
Day 4  
  
Was ever so delighted when Lockhart offered to autograph all of my textbooks in class today! Even his signature is cute, though I'm not sure what he scrawled underneath. It looks like "Midnight [something] window at the [something something] hallway to my chamber, don't be [smudged out] late XXOO, Lockey." Have no idea what that's supposed to mean.  
  
Must go, time for Arithmancy.  
  
Day 20  
  
STUPID Malfoy is the new Seeker for Slytherin! Am not happy about this OR what he called me on the field today. Ron came to my rescue, of course...and ended up vomiting slugs for a few hours, of course. Hate that helmet-haired Malfoy git so much I could just scream. Made a point of blocking all his IMs today just to show I was NOT accepting apologies.  
  
Day 23  
  
Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris, petrified by some unknown assailant. Filch bizarrely inconsolable. Harry said he heard strange voices just before the attack, but neither Ron nor I heard anything. Not surprising, as I was busy yelling for Ron to stop slobbering on my neck.  
  
Why is the cat named Mrs. Norris, anyway?  
  
Day 33  
  
Had another wonderfully exciting Dark Arts class, all about Lockhart's defeat of the Wailing Banshee of Cornwall. Took notes on everything. Lockhart gave me ten extra points for good notetaking, and ten more for "being a total hottie." Not sure what that has to do with class. In a related note, found all my textbooks a mess from having Lockhart's signature blotted out with ink. Fingerprints on the bind look suspiciously like Ron's. Am going to confront him about this after dinner tonite.  
  
Later  
  
Confronted Ron, had a terrific row about my books in one of the outer corridors with him. Ended up yelling that if he was jealous of my liking Lockhart, he should just admit it and not go destroying property instead. Am rather out of breath now, as he chased me all the way up the main staircase, up the tower and into the dormitories, all the time yelling about scarlet women. Am thinking about getting some slightly less grabby friends next year.  
  
Day 51  
  
Went round to the teachers' lounger to ask Lockhart a question. Wasn't there. Headed to his office, peeked in to see if he was available. Found him standing in front of a full-length mirror in a yellow cocktail dress and boa, saying to himself that Snape did not know ANYTHING about color coordination, and yellow suited him just FINE. Wonder if maybe Lockhart is just a little bit of a fairy?  
  
Day 52  
  
Big Quidditch match coming up. Everyone talking about it and no one studying. Honestly, am I the only one around here who remembers this is a school?  
  
Day 66  
  
Gryffindor beat today! Slytherins mad as hell and serve them right. Harry broke his arm and interfered with Lockhart's spell or something, so that he now has NO bones in his arm...up to Madam Pomfrey to fix it. Flint off slapping Malfoy around about missing the Snitch. Malfoy not too happy, though more so probably because everyone on the Slytherin team calls him "b*tch" (definitely not a word I would write in full in my diary). Note to self: be very thankful am not scrawny little blonde boy on team with six other burly, unattractive Slytherin guys. No wonder he hasn't been sitting comfortably in his chair in Potions lately.  
  
Day 74  
  
Decided with Ron and Harry to use Polyjuice Potion to find out what Slytherin common room looks like and if it's nicer than ours. Snuck into Snape's private store room to steal boomslang skin, eye of newt, weight- gain powder and half a tablespoon of vanilla extract. Also hooked some biore strips, bottles of nivea collegen-elastin and some cards for ET. Noticed a nice pair of boots from Hot Topic but they wouldn't fit under my robes with the other stuff.  
  
Day 75  
  
Started Polyjuice Potion in girls' biff today. Smells mostly like vanilla. Wish I'd grabbed those boots when I had the chance. Have a very nice PVC dress that would have looked great with them.  
  
Day 87  
  
Harry and Ron got into Slytherin commons using Potion, but I was turned into a cat-girl by mistake and stayed behind. During the space of one hour, was visited by no less than four hundred drooling fanboys who kept asking me to wear a giant bell around my neck and say "Nyao?" while curling one paw by the side of my head. Refused and turned them all into cockroaches, which I think was an improvement. Ron and Harry reported back soon to say that the Slytherin common room was "really grody" and the password to get in was "Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nagz gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."  
  
Day 90  
  
Have just woken up in hospital wing. Found out why everyone was being turned to stone, but didn't feel like telling anyone, as was tired of getting letters from the Digi-Charat people about a possible franchise of Cat-Girl potions in Japan, so let myself get petrified by the basilisk. Have had lovely nap and am now ready to take finals.  
  
Day 91  
  
FINALS CANCELLED??! ARRGHHHHHHH!!!  
  
(rest of diary is torn apart and has bite marks out of it) 


	4. Lockhart

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PROFESSOR GILDEROY LOCKHART...ORDER OF MERLIN THIRD CLASS, HONORARY MEMBER OF THE DARK FORCE DEFENSE LEAGUE, AND FIVE- TIME WINNER OF WITCH WEEKLY'S MOST-CHARMING-SMILE AWARD.  
  
Day 1  
  
Have had lovely afternoon signing autographs down in Diagon Alley, and now off to my FABULOUS new job as Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. Have been practicing my smile for three days now...got to keep in shape for all the swooning young ladies!  
  
Day 2  
  
My first day as Professor. Let an entire cageful of Cornish Pixies out, just to see what would happen! Made a complete mess of things, it was ever so much fun. Also met up with adorable student named Granger...knows almost as much about me as I do! Shall have to keep her on my list of possibilities.  
  
Keep getting letters from rather huffy representative of something called the  
  
Lollipop League. Never joined such a group in my life and am certainly not going to pay their ridiculous "union fees". However, sent them several hundred complimentary signed photos of myself as a token of my esteem.  
  
Day 5  
  
SOOO much to do, haven't written in a while. So very difficult keeping up with my FABULOUS new schedule...classes to teach (or rather, enlighten students with passages from my published works), meetings to attend and wardrobes to put together every day! It's difficult, especially the excessive nancing, which is starting to make me dizzy at intervals.  
  
On a better note, met up with very nice Master of Potions at the school...could swear he reminds me of someone...but then, don't they all? Bloody handsome and dead-sexy voice.  
  
[Author's note: All this swot-foolery is really starting to grate on my nerves, if you follow me. I can totally see why Hogwarts hated Lockhart...just trying to think like him is starting to make me power gag. With your permission, I'm going to skip ahead a few days in his diary. Sorry, but it was either that or amuse myself by turning it into hardcore slash at Snape's expense *cue the smoky saxophone music*. I promise I'll put a funny twist at the end.]  
  
Day 23  
  
Had a lovely visit from yummy Potions Master and gave him a wonderful makeover. Seems the poor fellow wasn't really feeling up to snuff concerning his own wardrobe. But REALLY, what does he expect with such a monochromatic color scheme? Worked his color palette out and lent him some nice sparkly barrettes to accent whatever highlights there might be in his hair. I certainly didn't find any. Also snuck a bottle of shampoo into his pocket when he wasn't looking...my good deed for the day.  
  
Filch's cat got somehow Petrified today...was onhand to help but of course no one wanted to bother me with fixing such a trifle. Very respectful people in this school.  
  
Why is it named Mrs. Norris, anyway? Seems a bit fishy to me.  
  
Day 27  
  
Received a rather rude letter from mother, asking when I was going to stop beating about the bush, get the operation and change my name to "Glinda". Don't know what she's raving about. Never mentioned any such thing in my life.  
  
Day 30  
  
Got into a rather embarrassing conflict with Sevi over the lemon pepper crackers at dinner. Tried to explain that lemon and pepper are absolutely essential to maintaining my perfect complexion. Politely took them from him but he selfishly refused to give them up. Politely twisted his wrist round and knocked him on the floor. Scuffle ensued and he snatched the bowl up and tipped the crackers down the front of his robes. Suddenly didn't want them so much anymore.  
  
Day 34  
  
Really, I don't see why Sevi has to make it so very obvious, in front of students no less, that he finds me attractive. I quite understand why he feels this way, as I am clearly the best-looking teacher here. However, his creating a spectacle of himself, and making his denial painfully obvious by ignoring my owls and chasing after anything 15 and under in a school uniform is most distressing. I wonder if it really is cruel to shun him like this?  
  
Day 36  
  
Decided to cheer Sevi up by asking him to come shopping with me at Hogsmeade. Poor fellow was obviously terribly smitten with the offer...so affected, I'm afraid, that he had to cover it up by roughly pushing me out of a second-story window and taking off at a run after that little blonde- headed boy, Draco something. Most upset with myself for stringing him along in such a careless manner, but what can I do?  
  
Day 39  
  
Asked Sevi on a shopping excursion again and think he was able to overcome his shyness. Claimed he also needed to run errands, especially for chocolate syrup. Man must really like ice cream, seeing as he had several dozen Hershey coupons in his pocket.  
  
Day 49  
  
Shopping day tomorrow! Am thinking of taking Sevi to some of the nicer clothing stores and maybe get the poor bloke a decent wardrobe. Tried to get into his chambers and take some measurements for an absolutely smashing new tailor I found up on main street, but he said he was busy grading test papers. From what I could see through the keyhole, seemed he was also busy fondling a student-sized sweater. God only knows whose.  
  
Day 50  
  
Sevi doesn't know anything about anything. I look just FINE in yellow. Never been so mad in my life. Am totally not speaking to him. Feel a pout coming on. Off to have a good sulk in the teacher's lounge and a pint of Haagen-Daaz.  
  
Day 66  
  
Relented and forgave Sevi for his foolish comments...am quite sure he just blurted them out because he was envious. I can blame anyone for that, after all!  
  
Offered to help him get his classes in order, since he seems to have such trouble handling his students. He got a bit shirty with me over this...obviously embarrassed that I should take such an interest in helping him after the yellow comment. But I always try to forgive people, no matter how they treat me.  
  
Day 70  
  
Decided to let Sevi make up for his faults by letting him be my assistant for my wonderfully exciting new Duo Club.  
  
Day 71  
  
Just had talk with Dumbledore and found out that wonderfully exciting new club was against school rules and state minor laws. Have relented and changed it to a Dueling Club.  
  
Day 72  
  
Had very exciting day concerning the Dueling Club. Was looking fabulous, as usual. Sevi a big help in making me look good for my students, though he seemed a little overzealous in the role of assistant. Had a minor problem with Potter boy and a snake, but I'm sure it will clear itself up very soon. In the meantime, must find exciting new way of styling hair so that the giant bump on back of head does not show...Sevi was a little too enthusiastic with his Disarming Spell. Likes to play rough, doesn't he?  
  
DO wish these postcards would stop arriving for me! Have absolutely no need whatsoever for "Flying Monkey" insurance!  
  
Day 80  
  
Beginning to think some sort of problem going on at Hogwarts...couple unlucky chaps been turned to stone in one way or another. Am quite certain it will all blow over by the end of the year. In the meantime, have ever so many taped episodes of "Touched By an Angel" to catch up with!  
  
Day 88  
  
Am really getting tired of Sevi's constant bashfulness. Went completely out of my way to gave him a nice fruit basket (he was feeling poorly today) and the silly man was so overcome that he accidentally dropped it on my foot! Then he accidentally yanked my hat straight down over my head, turned me about and drop-kicked me out of his room. Not so sure I want to carry on a meaningful relationship with someone so very clumsy and accident- prone. Also would like to know why he has a collection of student cloaks on the peg behind his door.  
  
Day 90  
  
Just been asked by faculty to stop the Heir of Slytherin. Completely outraged. Never met such ridiculous, demanding people. Am quitting right now. Just have to run to the biffy and get my mudskipper loofah and will be done packing. Oops, someone at the door.  
  
Later  
  
Just met some very nice young boys! Seem to be in some sort of school. Hope this is my diary and not someone else's. Am covered in dirt and reptilian scales for some reason. Nice bearded man says I have to go away to get my memory back. Sounds like fun.  
  
Day something  
  
Remembered who I am! Nice little midget people in green came and got me from St. Mungo's last night and took me home to me true country. So very delighted to have my memories back, plus my pretty star-shaped wand. Having trouble with my awful sister in the West, but have decided to drop a house on her and get my sparkly slippers back. They go with the matching handbag, you see.... 


	5. Malfoy

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY  
  
Day 1  
  
Second year of school and already going badly. Have been ignoring Snape's owls all summer but he can't seem to take a hint. Father says to answer him politely and inquire about extra lessons in the Dark Arts. Am not sure father realizes what a sacrifice those extra lessons are...  
  
Day 3  
  
Have wonderful new idea. Will make father buy whole Slytherin Team new brooms and then they'll let me be Seeker! It's so much fun to be rich.  
  
Day 4  
  
New brooms to be arriving by owl very soon. Other team members delighted (except maybe former Seeker). Keep shaking my hand and slapping me on the back like a real teammate. Hard to believe I'm on the team when I'm so much smaller than them, really...smaller and thinner and blonder and...ummm...  
  
Day 5  
  
Wrote father requesting I get my own changing room separate from large evil team members IMMEDIATELY.  
  
Day 6  
  
Had a run-in with Potter today. Tried mailing him all summer but the letters kept coming back. From what I gathered, some crazy muggle woman in an apron stands on his lawn all day swatting owls off with a broom. Nothing is ever easy for me.  
  
Day 14  
  
Am not happy as of late. Hard to concentrate on classes and regular smirking when Head of own House is practically chasing me with a fork. Will ask father to rectify this situation.  
  
Day 20  
  
Father replied, saying new brooms were the only thing he was going to do for me this term, and that was that. Am very put out by this whole situation.  
  
Had a good laugh at the Gryffindorks team on the field today! Showed off our new brooms AND Weasley ended up coughing slugs for a few hours. Practice was harder than I thought, but figure if Potter can make it look easy, then it mustn't be that hard when game time actually comes. On downside, do not have own changing house as of yet, and had to shower with team members, who are becoming awfully friendly. Somehow ended up being nicknamed Towel Boy, as well as something much worse. Do not really feel like talking about it anymore.  
  
Day 23  
  
Filch's cat got attacked by the Heir of Slytherin! Go HOS! Father had been hinting about something like this for awhile...am very happy filthy Mudbloods will get what they deserve. Am also happy Potter not a Mudblood.  
  
Why is that cat named Mrs. Norris, anyway?  
  
Day 27  
  
Am on speaking terms with Head of House once again, though not too keen on letting him stand behind me at any time. He did however show me this great trick for making giant snakes appear and attack people. I think he's a bit upset, however, at the fact that I seem to have grown allergic to chocolate syrup. Honestly, he should have seen that coming since this time last year.  
  
Day 33  
  
Am tired of being assaulted by practically everyone in House. Am also tired of fetching towels for people. Want to be a Ravenclaw instead.  
  
Day 37  
  
Had a little rough-and-tumble with Potter today, over who was the best Seeker. Got a little carried away, forgot we were fighting and started taking off his shirt. He completely lost it and shrieked that I was after his shirt and I was the Heir of Slytherin. That boy has some serious issues, and nice biceps.  
  
Day 40  
  
Have written to father about having company over for next summer holiday. Asked him if he thought it would be proper to have a boy over. His only reply was, "Just ignore him, Draco. He may be Head of your House but he's not the boss of you."  
  
Day 42  
  
Not doing so well in classes, especially Potions, which we share with the Gryffindors. Keep getting distracted. Quite certain Dumbledore doesn't take so much of an interest in the well-being of the Boy Who Lived, as he does the Boy Who Lived To Grow Up With Watery Green Eyes and Adorable Messy Hair.  
  
Day 50  
  
Quidditch match coming up soon. First chance to prove myself as a great Seeker! Have been avoiding other team members at all costs. Very upset that we shall have four practices a week now.  
  
How can the fourth one be seriously called a practice if we never leave the changing room?  
  
Day 66  
  
Gryffindor beat, and I really don't care at this point. Stupid captain smacked me around for an hour about it...how was I to know the Snitch was right there by my head? Was worried when heard Potter broke his arm, but saw teacher taking him up to infirmary. Now just have to worry about scary angry teammates. Think maybe I would rather go to bed dirty and in my Quidditch robes.  
  
Day 74  
  
Goyle's cauldron exploded today because of a firecracker. Probably the best he's ever done in that class.  
  
Day 76  
  
Am wondering if Dumbledore would let me convert to a Gryffindor, if father paid him enough. If not, am wondering how much father would have to pay to let me sleep in same room as certain dreamy second-year Gryffindor.  
  
Day 87  
  
Strange thing happened today...was telling hilarious story to Crabbe and Goyle but they seemed...I don't know...different. And Goyle was awfully insistent about hearing my story of fighting with Potter, especially the part where I tried to take his shirt off. Never pegged Goyle as swinging in that direction. Got awfully worked up about the story but didn't go into much detail before Goyle jumped out and darted from the room, shrieking aloud about not being clean. Have decided Hogwarts is a total mad house.  
  
Day 90  
  
Chamber of Secrets been opened and destroyed by Potter. Not really all that surprised. Gryffindor got about eight billion points for it and will win House Cup again, no doubt. Am very upset about this whole proceeding. Think maybe it would be nice if other Houses were in on all these secret plots, and could score some points of their own once in a while. Will sulk about it to father in another letter. 


	6. Ron

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF RON WEASLEY  
  
Day 1  
  
All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl.  
  
All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl.  
  
All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl.  
  
All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl.  
  
Day 2  
  
All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl.  
  
Day Three  
  
All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl.  
  
All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl.  
  
Day 4  
  
All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl. All work and no Ron makes Hermione a dull girl.  
  
[Author's note: I think you get the picture.] 


	7. Heir of Slytherin

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN  
  
Day 1  
  
Decided to make an image of myself and hide it in a notebook. Not sure why that seemed like such a good idea. Notebook very boring. Already counted all the lines on every page.  
  
Day 726  
  
Doodled in the margins at the back of the book for a while. Am hating self for thinking this was going to help me in any way. Think I might be getting rather musty around the corners. Wish someone would put me in a plastic protective sleeve. Keep getting used as a mug coaster.  
  
Day 768  
  
Picked up by some helmet-headed git named Lucius. Wonder if he has cable.  
  
Day 769  
  
Got stuck inside some little girl's schoolbook. Am hoping she doesn't turn me into one of those girly "Friends 4-Ever" scrapbooks.  
  
Day 770  
  
Have had GREAT idea for getting revenge on person I haven't even met yet. Will possess girl's mind to make her open the Chamber of Secrets! Go me!  
  
Day 771  
  
Have not needed to bother about possessing girl's mind...she seemed quite ready to do it as long as I promised to kidnap her later and let Potter heroically rescue her. Girls are strange.  
  
Day 784  
  
Have released the basilisk and tried to make it eat Potter. Unfortunately, it keeps turning muggle children to stone. Why do idiot Slytherins always have such a one-track mind? Stupid basilisk killed idiot cat as well as muggle children. Snakes really aren't all that smart, despite the hype. Why is it named Mrs. Norris, anyhow?  
  
Some swotty little nancy boy named Draco taking all the credit for muggle attacks. Am not too happy about this. Will send Ginny to do something awful to him.  
  
Day 790  
  
Sent Ginny to do something awful to Malfoy kid late last night. Ginny reported back saying Head of Slytherin House already doing something awful to Malfoy. At least, sounded awful through the keyhole. Will let it go at that.  
  
Day 795  
  
Preparing to leave notebook, hopefully soon. Pages getting all crumpled and covered in "I (heart) HP 4-Ever" scribbles. Ginny not taking very good care of me.  
  
Asked Ginny for picture of Potter to use as murder reference.  
  
Day 796  
  
Asked Ginny for eight more pictures of Potter as reference and maybe one of his shirts. DAMN that boy is adorable!  
  
Day 801  
  
Chamber of Secrets plan now a bust. Letting basilisk take out as many muggle children as it wants or whatever else. Want to shag Potter boy senseless. Lightning scar a total turn-on. Am going to lure him into Chamber for just that reason. Starting to think have been stuck inside a notebook for far too long.  
  
Day 806  
  
New plan not going so well. Potter not really using his Parselmouth abilities to their full potential. Also seems to be slightly thick, or would have easily figured out basilisk problem before. Still totally hot, though.  
  
Ginny complaining her book is all over in "I (heart) HP" doodles. Don't know why she's complaining...half of those aren't even mine. The "I shag (HP) senseless" ones are, though. But you can hardly see them.  
  
Day 825  
  
Decided to take matters into own hands (or pages) and get into Potter's possession. Jumped into toilet and flushed self. In retrospect, bad idea. Am now quite soggy.  
  
Day 826  
  
Now owned by Potter!! Spend most of the time in his sock drawer...very happy. Made up some bogus lie about Hagrid opening the Chamber fifty years ago. Didn't want him to dislike me. Getting all turned on when he flips my pages...  
  
Day 830  
  
BLOODY Ginny stole me back again! STUPID STUPID STUPID girl! Am VERY angry now. Am Lord VOLDEMORT, after all! Was not born with unbelievably convenient name that can be mixed up into perfectly formed moniker for just any reason. Am going to come out of book and lay smack down on everyone, then screw Heir of Gryffindor left, right and center. Do not CARE about minor laws.  
  
Day 839  
  
Got upset when Potter turned me down inside Chamber and tried to kill him. Just got a bit irrational about the whole situation. Was trapped back inside book and supposedly destroyed, but pages of book have not been wholly ruined. *sigh* now back in idiot Lucius' possession. Still carrying torch for Heir of Gryffindor... 


	8. Harry

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF HARRY POTTER  
  
Day 1  
  
Am back at school and waiting for new crisis to occur. Already have minor crisis to avert, in the form of tying Ron's ankle to bedpost to keep him from getting out of bed at night and sneaking into the second-year girl's dormitories.  
  
Day 2  
  
Have gained clingy and annoying fanboy by the name of Colin Creevey. Am most upset by this. Wish people would just leave me alone.  
  
Day 5  
  
Had to have picture taken with stuffed-up git Lockhart today. Hate Lockhart. Hate Colin. Hate Colin taking pictures of me with Lockhart. Hate Lockhart pawing at me while picture being taken.  
  
Day 8  
  
Sat through three-hour long speech by Wood about the importance of Quidditch...as if I didn't know! Wood will probably jump off the tower if we don't win the Cup this year.  
  
Was startled when shrieking blonde-haired muggle girl burst through the window and kidnapped Wood. Who's going to be our Keeper now?  
  
Day 9  
  
Relieved to hear that Wood was returned later last night, though he seems dazed and unable to account for where he's been, or why only half his clothes returned with him. Also smells vaguely of chocolate syrup.  
  
Day 13  
  
Cannot get rid of Colin. Is like some sort of irritating stick-on hood ornament. Smacked him square in the face when he walked into me in the hall. Bad idea, as he seemed to enjoy it. Am now constantly bombarded by Colins on the way to class. All over in bruises. Would take Ron along as protection, but he's probably somewhere letting Hermione smack him.  
  
Day 23  
  
Flich's cat got attacked by something called the Heir of Slytherin! Why is it named Mrs. Norris, anyway? Just KNOW that this means bad news for me. And now quite jumpy about the Slytherin Heir, possibly because of what scary little elf-man told me before school. Would rather not talk about him though, as he seems to be almost completely CGI.  
  
Day 27  
  
Am not happy Malfoy is Seeker for Slytherin. I'm the only prominent character Seeker in this story, thank you! Will whomp him good when the first game comes. Wish he would stop spilling my books in the corridor and watching me bend over to pick them up. Some people can be so vindictive.  
  
Day 33  
  
List of people I officially hate:  
  
*Lockhart *Malfoy *Snape *Colin *Dursleys  
  
Will think of more later when I get the chance.  
  
Day 37  
  
Got into fight with stupid Malfoy over who ruled more as a Seeker. Punched him in his smarmy face, go me! Helmet-headed freak pinned me down and started to unbutton my shirt. He wants my shirt! He must be the Heir of Slytherin!!  
  
Day 40  
  
Have locked all of my extra shirts (as well as new stash of underwear) in my trunk.  
  
Day 42  
  
Colin ambushed me outside of Charms today and asked if I would be willing to pose for some rather "candid" shots. He was eying me funny...he must want my shirts too! Damn Slytherin's wickedness, corrupting even the Gryffindors! YOU WON'T GET MY SHIRTS, EVIL PRESENCE!  
  
Day 45  
  
Have now taken to dashing upstairs between classes to make sure my shirts are OK. Refuse to change with the others for Quidditch practice for fear my shirts will be stolen. Also am uncomfortable when Fred and George drop everything to watch me change.  
  
Day 50  
  
Big Quidditch match coming up soon...Wood being absolute slavedriver on the field. Wants up to win more than anything, especially since it's Slytherin on their stupid new Nimbus Two-Thousand and Ones. Never fails...you buy a nice model and six months later they come out with a better one.  
  
Day 66 GRYFFINDOR BEAT! Take THAT, Suckerins! On a worse note, have no bones in my arm. Moron Lockhart tried to fix my broken arm and made it no arm at all. Really kind of gross. Am now in infirmary regrowing bones and thinking up a new victory dance to do when I see Malfoy tomorrow.  
  
List of possible taunts:  
  
SUCKERINS SLIPPERINS SLIVERINS? Swotty little nancy boy -----(probably this one)  
  
Day 74  
  
Decided with Hermione's and Ron's help to find out what Slytherin common room looks like and whether it's nicer than ours. Also want to know if Malfoy is plotting to steal my shirts. Exploded half the class in Potions today as distraction so Hermione could hook the ingredients. Noticed she hooked quite a lot of other things too.  
  
Day 75  
  
Potion going well. Snape cornered me in the hall after dinner. Just knew he suspected me all along. He wondered if I wouldn't mind telling him WHY I lobbed a firecracker into another student's cauldron during class. Told him I had no idea what he was talking about. He said well in that case, he wondered if I wouldn't mind taking off my shirt. HE'S THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN! HE WANTS MY SHIRTS!! I shrieked for him to go back to the Chamber he crawled out of, hurled my sweater at him to buy time and made tracks up to the dormitories.  
  
Day 80  
  
Caught Colin going through my clothes in the dorm today. Good LORD, is everyone around here the Heir of Slytherin? I'm so confused!! Have taken to wearing two or three shirts at a time every day. Uncomfortable, but at least I know they aren't being stolen.  
  
Day 87  
  
Used the Polyjuice potion to get into the Slytherin common room. Malfoy, supposing that we were Crabbe and Goyle, yapped a whole lot about his father's super-secret hidden room full of illegal Dark Arts crap under the dining room floor, as well as his father's super-secret recipe for cherry rum cake. Ron and I were falling asleep through the whole bloody spiel, plus the room was hideous. Ugly slimy stone wall, big spiked chandelier, axes on the wall...not much of a common room. More like the Viking Room.  
  
Finally started talking about the shirt incident. Just KNEW I had him this time! He'll not steal my shirts again! But all he seemed to want to jaw about was what's under my shirt...I don't get it! He can't steal anything under my shirts because I don't WEAR anything under...under my...oh, noooooo....  
  
Day 88  
  
Am hiding from Malfoy. Am hiding from Ron. Am hiding from everybody male. Am hiding in the baths, scrubbing skin with block of soap to take away unpleasant revelations...not clean...not clean....  
  
Day 90  
  
Entered Chamber of Secrets with Ron and Lockhart, careful not to let them walk behind me. Got into actual chamber alone. Confronted Tom Riddle and found out he was Lord Voldemort! Summoned sword of Godric Gryffindor to defeat him and his terrible basilisk. Only basilisk didn't show, and Riddle kicked sword out of my hand and began tearing at my shirt, muttering excitedly under his breath.  
  
Little did he know, I was wearing all sixteen of my shirts at once! After ripping the fifth one off he got angry and tried to kill me. Was rather angry myself and figured if he was going to ruin my shirts, which I risked life and limb to protect all year, I would ruin his stupid book. Stabbed book and Riddle disappeared. Am very relieved, though minus five good shirts. Saved Ginny from where she had collapsed and fainted, though she seemed to come awake almost instantly when we were back among other students.  
  
Saved the day once again, much to my annoyance. Gryffindor beat for the House Cup and am looking forward to going home and not getting the trousers ripped off me every time I enter a room. I hope. 


	9. ???

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ARTHUR WEASLEY....'S FORD ANGLIA  
  
Day 1  
  
Have been taken by twins and smallest son to go rescue their little friend from imprisonment. Just know their mother will slaughter them for this.  
  
Day 12  
  
Going to King's Cross to deliver students to Hogwarts. Except for flying capabilities, mother seems very niave about all the spells her husband put on me. Will let it go at that as I do not wish to be scrapped any time soon.  
  
Later  
  
Have been horribly mutilated by idiot tree, but managed to get good shot at it before taking off. Will find shelter in the forest.  
  
Day 15  
  
Very dark and scary in the forest. Don't like it at ALL. Not a petrol station for miles and I think I may have a run in one of my tires.  
  
Day 22  
  
Woke up this morning to the birds singing and little green things growing everywhere. Have found my calling. Have returned to the Wild. Can almost feel the trembling of the earth as the ghosts of hundreds of Ford Anglias, their radio antennae waiving proudly in the air, traveled in herds across this country, seeking shelter for their young and fuzzy dice for their rear- view mirrors.  
  
I AM KING FORD ANGLIA OF THE JUNGLE!  
  
Day 38  
  
Have met up with herd of wild Ford Anglias as they were engaged in tribal war with a pack of Chevrolet Cavaliers. Slaughtered many of the accursed Chevy pack and became Alpha Ford of the Anglia tribe. Now have beautiful mate and am expecting little ones. Go me!  
  
Day 66  
  
Ran into stupid children again and saved them from giant spiders. Was just beginning to enjoy my life until was reminded by them of idiot humans. However, dumped them off onto a safer route and returned to my wild domain. Will return someday in a future book as a cheap plot device to save Harry from danger.  
  
  
  
[Author's note: Please don't ask me why there are american Chevrolets running wild in England. Ask yourself why you're questioning the brand- name of a car that mates within a wild pack of other cars.] 


End file.
